Oui, Une Plus Post about Les French Maman(s)

A couple of weeks ago a new bomb was thrown in the war of Perfect People vs. American Suburban Moms Who Do Everything Wrong. This time, it is the French who do everything better than we do. First of all, quelle surpise! The French do everything better? Of course they do, they wear scarfs and heels and make chocolate croissants.

The debate ran its usual course. Le writer appeared on morning talk shows and wrote an obnoxious op ed in the Wall Street Journal. Mothers everywhere insisted that they were going to buy the book and be more French. Then, there was une mini scandale. It turns out that the Francophile once wrote an article about the menage a trois she and her husband had.

Personally, that makes me less likely to read her book about parenting. Seriously, if the most interesting thing you can think of to do with a menage a troi is write about it, you  aren’t doing it right. If you can’t figure out how to make that fun, I really don’t need your advice on something as mixed as raising kids.

Then, came the backlash about the book: Hey, the French are rude, and you know Nazi sympathizers, why would we want to be French? Also, this book is bullshit because it only talks about upper class French. A lot of this backlash started to get interesting when people pointed out that the real difference between French and American parenting is that the French have some amazing social structures in place to facilitate their supposedly relaxed parenting style.

I am all on board with that last argument. I don’t think it takes being raised by a sociologist to realize that the way we parent today is driven in large part by the way our society is structured. We always hear about how other cultures, Israelis, Swedes, Canadians, and French have these great social policies in place to make it easier for parents to have children and still maintain their lives.

We don’t have that in the States and so we live these somewhat crazy lives. We struggle with issues of child care, work, etc. We live in a sprawling, spread out society that doesn’t allow for communal childcare or family as childcare. Many of our suburbs don’t have sidewalks, let alone parks! Our school system is such a mess that our kids go all over the place to school and need more activities after school to provide the basic education that schools don’t give. All of this leads to parents who are in some ways forced to be hyper-involved in their children’s lives.

So, let’s not blame the moms for being helicopter parents. Our culture is set up in a way that it’s hard not to hover.

But, one of the conversations that I haven’t seen is: Why do other countries have these benefits and we don’t. Here’s my guess at the answer – those other countries have those benefits because they want to improve their birthrates. They have aging populations and are in  need of babies. Of course, by babies I mean what they consider the right kind of babies. If you’re French Canadian you have a “right of return” to automatically gain French citizenship. Just like Jews do in Israel. Not so much if you’re a citizen of a former French colony in Africa.

The French don’t provide those benefits because they love women and babies. They provide them because they need more people to support the country in coming years and they  are une wee bit racist.

The median age in the U.S. is 36.9 and we have a birth rate of 13.68 per 1,000. The median age in France is 39.9 and they have a birth rate of 12.72 per 1,000 ( I spent years as a non-fiction editor, I know my way around the CIA Factbook). My guess is, look up a country with great maternity policies and you’ll find a high median age and a low birthrate. The exception to this is Israel. Median age 29.4 and birthrate of 18.97 per 1,000. But, the Israelis have their own reasons for encouraging people to reproduce. Those reasons are also une wee bit racist.

I love children. I think the urge to reproduce makes a lot of sense. I did it, twice. But, I think an argument can be made that it isn’t really in the best interests of our country or the world for the U.S. to provide incentives for people in this country to have more babies.

We have enough people in this country, and the world has enough Americans. Those 19 Duggar kids take up a lot more resources than 19 African kids, or probably even than 19 French kids in their tres chic et petite apartments.

I’d love to see this conversation start farther back. Not with “what kind of parent do I want to be” or “what kind of benefits would I like to have” but “What does the world need?” Do policies that are designed to encourage child birth actually encourage child birth? Are the French reproducing more or is it just that the French that exist are happier? Are American policies cutting down on birth rates or just making American moms unhappy?

Then again, that discussion isn’t nearly as much fun as one that lets us keep bashing American mothers.

Choose Hope, Fight Childhood Cancer

*I was honored to be asked to write this post by my friend Sheila, the writer of the popular Mary Tyler Mom blog. Sheila’s daughter Donna died of cancer at the age of four. Today, bloggers across the country will be writing about Donna in an attempt to raise funds and awareness for childhood cancer. Please share this post freely, or write your own – just include the donation links at the bottom!*

When the Holocaust movie “Life Is Beautiful” won multiple Oscars in 1999,  writer/actor/director Roberto Benigini said in an acceptance speech that he dedicated the Oscar to the victims of the Holocaust “who died so that we may all know life is beautiful.” I’m a little unclear on the role of God, fate, the Universe, etc. in the world, but I am pretty sure that over six million people did not die in order to teach the rest of us to appreciate life. If nothing else, it would be a pretty inefficient way of getting a message across.

But, it is undeniable that out of a great tragedy, something wonderful sometimes happens. I think about that when I think about Donna. I did not know Donna. Her parents are friends of mine. The kind of friends that you’re happy to hear about, wish you could see more of, but once you move to different jobs and different parts of town, you resign yourself to communicating via Facebook. My sole contribution to Donna’s life was helping her parents find an in home daycare for her. Another friend of mine was moving and hated to leave her babysitter without the income. Donna was just born (or possibly about to be born) and needed childcare. I was so proud of myself for making the connection.

Over the past few years I have come to think of Donna as someone in my life, someone I miss. As much as I have always liked her talented and funny parents, her death has made me also admire them.

I am one personal tragedy away from becoming an agoraphobic hoarder. If I watched my child die I would not leave my house again. Ever. I would live surrounded by stuffed animals, Winnie the Pooh tshokes, and cashmere wraps and, you would not blame me for it. If all Donna’s parents had managed to do after her death was continue living their lives, parent her little brother, and keep their jobs – we would all be impressed. We would all marvel at their strength and courage.

But, they’ve done so much more. They started a non-profit, Donna’s Good Things (DGT). DGT works to provide joyful opportunities to children facing adversity and to encourage the charitable acts of others. The motto of Donna’s Good Things is “Choose Hope.”

This past September Donna’s mother Sheila chronicled the 31 months from Donna’s diagnosis to her death in a blog post a day for childhood cancer awareness month. That’s right, for 31 days in a row Sheila relived her daughter’s death in detail and opened her soul and life to the entire world’s criticism and commentary. Why? To raise awareness of, and funds for, childhood cancer research. You can read the story here (but don’t do it all at once, seriously you can’t).

Sheila and Jeremy are still giving. They are hosting a St. Baldrick’s event to raise money for childhood cancers. They have asked bloggers across the country to blog about Donna and this event, and that’s what you’re reading now.

Donna was an amazing girl. Knowing her parents, there’s no doubt that she would have gone on to do amazing things with her life. I do not believe that she was taken from this world for “a reason” or to teach the rest of us something. I believe her life has meaning no matter what we do simply because she lived it, because we all have meaning.

But I do believe it would be heartbreakingly selfish of the rest of us, especially those of us with a connection no matter how tenuous, to let her life pass without honoring it, without trying to bring something good from her tragic death. So, here are some things you can do:

1. Donate Now to fund lifesaving research:

http://www.stbaldricks.org/events/mypage/6969/201

AN ANONYMOUS DONOR WILL MATCH YOUR GRANT UP TO $2,000 AS LONG AS IT IS MADE IN BETWEEN 2/14 AND 2/18!

2. Sign up as a Shavee or Volunteer at a St. Baldrick’s Event Near You. (Once you find an event, click on the blue box that says ‘participate at this event’. If you want to join the Donna’s Good Things team, when prompted say you want to join an existing team, and filter for “Donna” at other events)

3. Can’t find an event near you? Organize your own event. The St. Baldrick’s Foundation will coach you every step of the way. In particular, they are looking for new events in Maine, Mississippi, Alabama and Utah.

4. Have questions about getting involved? Visit www.StBaldricks.org or contact Heather@StBaldricks.org.

How will you choose hope today? How will you show that life is beautiful?

Boys in School

A few months ago I had a terrifying playground conversation with another mom. We both have boys in kindergarten at the same school, but not in the same class. I’ve heard stories about her son being a little on the rough side.

The mother was perfectly nice and we chatted about boys in kindergarten as the boys played. I mentioned that my son had been going a little nutty at home since kindergarten started. As he says, “It’s hard to be good all day.” So, when he gets home there’s a new level of craziness that I’m not used to. There’s also a lot of discussion about crazy going ons at recess, some of which involve her son.

She mentioned that her son had been unusually aggressive at home, a completely new trait. Then she said the terrifying part, “I asked his teacher about it, if he was aggressive or wild at school and she said ‘no’ and that she couldn’t imagine him being so.”

Here’s the terrifying part, her son is aggressive at school. I’ve heard it from my son and from other parents who have seen it. I’ve seen it. She knows there’s something going on with him, she’s noticed it and asked for help from his teacher. And she’s gotten nothing, nada, bubkis.

The other terrifying part, I couldn’t figure out what to say. I know this is an issue for her son, it’s sort of why I started the conversation about kindergarten boys being wild. But I could not for the life of me figure out how to say, “Yes, the other mothers all discuss that your kid is too rough” in a helpful and non judgmental way. So, I murmured something about how maybe after they really settle in to school it will all  go back to normal. It probably will.

Today was the first day of school after winter break. After a fantastic two weeks with almost no behavior problems, grumpiness, or complaints, I sent a scowling, grumpy little boy in to the school building.

I love his teacher, he loves his teacher. He actually enjoys school. When I pick him up today he’ll be smiling and laughing and eager to tell me everything he did all day. He’ll hug and high five his friends and me.

But, tonight and tomorrow morning, he’ll be grumpy again, he’ll be wild and probably a little aggressive. He’s a smart boy who loves school, and still it makes him crazy. It makes some of his friends even crazier.

Eventually he will settle into school. He’ll worry less about “being good all day” and then his teachers can get a dose of his natural energy and enthusiasm and his behavior at home will improve. Who would have thought that one day I’d be hoping for a kid to misbehave at school!

2012 Looking Ahead by Looking Back

When my children were little I didn’t work on Mondays and we had a regular Monday morning routine. We would go to the Y in the morning, so they could play in the  babysitting room while I exercised. Then, we’d stop by the bread store for a piece of cinnamon bread. If it was rainy or cold outside, the kids sat at the kid-sized table looking at books. If it was nice outside, we’d sit on the outdoor benches and watch the Metra trains go by. Afterwards, we’d go to the library, or a park. Then home for lunch.

When the children were in preschool we continued the tradition on random Mondays when they didn’t have school. On one particularly sunny late winter/early spring day my then four-year-old daughter sat on the bench, took a deep breath and said, “This is the life!” It made me so happy that she joined me in recognizing how special these seemingly normal times were.

The kids have never liked going to the babysitting at the Y unless they could both go, so over the past few years the routine has slowly stopped. But yesterday, on December 31, the kids asked if we could go to the Y. I hadn’t been planning on working out, but you know, I certainly needed it.

Afterwards, we went to the bread store. The kid-sized table was being used by smaller kids, so we sat in the high stools munching happily on our bread, looking out the window. I looked at my almost six and eight year olds and thought, “For now at least, this is still the life.”

How Influential Are Bloggers?

As previously discussed, I recently ran a contest for bloggers for one of my clients.

The contest was very successful. We had several entries and by all accounts it did what it was supposed to do. It spread the word about GigMasters to bloggers and their readers. It generated excitement about our brand and introduced us to new potential clients. The contest is still hard at work for us. We offered a gift certificate to bloggers who didn’t win  to give away on their blog, and one of the semi-finalists is using it and promoting the heck out of GigMasters.

But what was most interesting to me, was the ways in which the contest did not work as expected. Among the ten semi-finalists, three were fairly known  bloggers with large social media followings. They did not win.

The winner was not actually a blogger. She was a grad student/T.A. who created a blog for the sole purpose of entering the contest. As far as I know, she has little to no social media profile. She won the old fashioned way. She went to her co-workers, her fellow students and the students she teaches, and asked them to vote for her. They did. They came to our blog and left comment after comment talking about how great she was, how touching her story was, and why she deserved to win.

The person who came in second place, did have social media to thank for his entries, but not in the way expected. Playwright Greg Owens wanted to throw a party for clients of a local food bank. About half of Greg’s votes came not from his “followers” or even his friends (real and Internet based) but from the fans of Donna’s Good Things a non-related not-for-profit run by Sheila, a mutual friend of Greg’s and mine.

The most objectively successful blogger in the contest came in second. She did have several votes from influential people in her field, colleagues of hers with whom she has a personal connection. But, most of her votes also came from friends and family (you can tell when all the voters have the same last name).

The third most successful blogger barely placed at all. She received five votes, all from personal friends, not readers.

Obviously, this is one contest and isn’t conclusive, but companies are spending a lot of money to get products and brands out to bloggers (not as much money as bloggers would like, but that’s a different story). The assumption is that if a blogger has a large, or even a small but loyal readership, they’ll be able to activate that readership to become customers.

But how much connection do people really have to the blogs they read? Our winner won because she made personal connections with people. Our runner up got as many votes as he did because someone made a personal connection for him.

Donna’s Good Things got the word out via Facebook, and although Sheila does not know everyone who “likes” DGT, they do all feel a strong personal connection to Sheila and her family’s story. Sheila has a popular personal blog, but she did not use the blog to connect people to the contest.

The idea behind using bloggers to promote products is that bloggers are able to connect with lots of people. If you’re running a brand recognition program (like our contest), that makes perfect sense. But, with Facebook and Twitter even people who don’t blog have the capacity to reach THOUSANDS of people with your message.

Selling something requires you to make a personal connection. How many bloggers have that deep, personal connection with their readers? What would you do for your favorite blogger? Buy a different brand of diapers? Vote in a contest? Buy a car? Who would you rather get a recommendation from, your best friend or your favorite blogger?

Seriously, I want to know, what are your thoughts?

Eric’s Sign

Two years ago today my husband’s oldest friend Eric died. I’ve written about Eric’s death and its effect on our family before. Last month Eric’s parents hosted a “Musical Ofrenda” at their church in Eric’s honor. Eric was an artist, an art teacher, and a music lover and the evening consisted of examples of all three sides of Eric.

At the end of the evening, Eric’s parents presented the world premiere of an original work of music, they had commissioned: Eric’s Sign. The words came from a note Eric once left on the door of his classroom. It is wonderful advice, and one of my favorite poems.

Eric’s Sign
There will be no lunchtime art until 12:25 pm. If you have recess before 12:25, there is no lunchtime art for you. Instead:

Go outside.
Enjoy life.
Celebrate the unfathomable joy of your youth.
Meditate on the oneness of the universe.
Go forth and create peace.
Compliment someone on their exemplary attitude in the face of division, derision, and ignorance.
Show the world how it should be done.
Be charitable.
Do unto others.
Expose foolishness.
Question authority.
Avoid cliques.
And chichés.
Save our resources.
Make a new friend.
Apologize.
Save an insect’s life.
Greet the new day with a song.
Write a five paragraph persuasive essay about how daily art should be the law.
Set the example.
May the force be with you.

-Eric Utech

Do Kids Really Need to Be Thankful?

One of my favorite things at Brookfield Zoo is a sign in the Play Zoo. The sign shows a poster that a little girl drew which says, “Save the elephants, boycott Ivory soap.” The point of the sign is that good intentions often go awry when trying to teach kids about animal conservation.

A lot of educators believe in fact that you shouldn’t try to teach young kids about conservation and threats to animals. These problems are unsolvable for children. Rather than spur them to action, giving them too much info will spur them to depression and inaction. The better tactic is to teach kids to love animals and the Earth, and talk about the threats to it and how to save it later.

I wonder if we, as parents, need to take that approach to more things with kids. If you read a lot of mommy blogs you’ll see a lot of writing about ways to make your kids more grateful, especially this time of year. You often also see a lot of “my kids are so ungrateful I’m worried they’ll grow up to be brats.”

It makes sense. Almost by definition children of bloggers (mine included) are growing up in a privileged environment. Let’s face it, if your mom has the time, resources, and social approval to write a blog, you’re a lot better off than most of the kids in the world. (Before you write to complain, fine, I’m sure somewhere there is a single mom who works a full time minimum wage job and gets up at 6 am to go to the local library to work on her blog from a free computer before her kids need to get ready for school.)

We are all surrounded by STUFF and messages to BUY STUFF. On top of that, our modern parenting culture has us all doing so much for our kids. No one wants to raise a child with a sense of entitlement (or no one wants to admit that they want to raise a child with a sense of entitlement). But, I’ve seen so many examples of parents who expect way too much out of their kids in this way.

I believe that the Paris Hiltons and Lindsey Lohans of the world are the way they are not because of what they’re given, but because of what they’re denied. Safety, security, knowing you are loved, knowing that you are not alone in the world, that you are part of a larger community – when you have these things you can afford to be generous and giving. You can afford to think of others. When you lack them, you cannot.

Yes, kids need to learn the social language of gratitude. They need to learn to say “thank you,” but what if they just need to learn the language now so that they can learn the meaning later? If your kids aren’t being grateful enough is it truly that you aren’t forcing them to say “thank you” or showing them how much better they have it than others or is it because you want them to be thankful for things they don’t yet understand? Or perhaps, because what you want thanks for aren’t the things they truly want and need?

The book Nurtureshock discusses a study that shows that when middle school students were asked to keep a gratitude journal they had higher rates of depression. This was in direct opposition to adults whose moods improved when keeping a gratitude journal. Why? Because all those things for which kids are  grateful (their house, their possessions, food, etc), are all out of their control. These are things provided by the adults in their lives.

Adolescents yearn for autonomy and independence, asking them to spend a lot of time contemplating how in control of their happiness their parents are, is a recipe for depression. For little kids it’s simpler. They need a chance to learn that the world is beautiful before they can be properly appreciative of its beauty.

So, this Thanksgiving, sure go around the table and ask what everyone is thankful for. Model thankfulness and gratitude for your children, and ask them to think about it. Then be quiet and pass the mashed potatoes.